You know, there’s been a real bonus in writing about The Four Agreements this week – I’ve managed to re-read pretty much the entire book. I try to do Something Good for myself by re-reading it every couple of months, anyway; so now I guess I’m ahead of the game. I really hope that you all are getting a good sense of the ideas outlined by Don Miguel Ruiz.
We’re on to the third agreement today:
Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
In my experience, we are pretty much always making assumptions. We assume that we know how someone is going to react to us. We assume that our efforts will or will not be successful. Heck, some of us even assume we know what are pets are thinking! (Ahem.) Don Miguel Ruiz suggests that one of the problems with this tendency to make assumptions is that we believe them. Not only do we believe our assumptions about what other people are thinking, but then we end up taking those assumptions personally and even end up resenting the person. All of this over an assumption. Gee, if we then gossiped about the person, we could break three of the four agreements in one fell swoop!
Making assumptions isn’t just about interpreting other people, either. We often assume that they know what we’re thinking, as well.
“In any kind of relationship we can make the assumption that others know what we think, and we don’t have to say what we want. The are going do what we want because they know us so well. If they don’t do what we want, what we assume they should do, we feel hurt and think, ‘How could you do that? You should know.’ Again, we make the assumption that the other person knows what we want. A whole drama is created because we make this assumption and then put more assumptions on top of it.”
Ruiz believes that one of the reasons we make so many assumptions is because we are fearful of asking questions. He says that we have made agreements that it is unsafe to ask one another questions and also that those who love us should automatically know what we want. Think about that. How helpful would it be if other people actually told you what they wanted, rather than assuming you just understood because you care for them? Well, it would be just as helpful for them if you explained to them what you wanted, too.
One of the biggest assumptions we make is that everyone else sees the world the same way we do. We learned in the introduction that each of us is actually living in our own dream, and yesterday we compared our lives to a movie produced by, directed by and starring ourselves. Of course we don’t all see the world in the same way! This was kind of eye-opening to me. It’s one of those things that is perfectly obvious from a common sense standpoint but that we might just not consider unless it’s pointed out to us.
“This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves.”
The best way to go about not making untrue assumptions is also really obvious: Ask. Once you have an answer to your question, it’s a good idea to go ahead and ask again to make sure that you really understand what has been said to you.
“If you don’t understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear, instead of making an assumption. The day you stop making assumptions you will communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison. Without making assumptions your word becomes impeccable.”
This actually has a lot of benefits. First of all, you’re spending more time actually communicating with those you care about. They are able to see that you are willing to take time and effort to really listen to what they have to say. Secondly, you are going to be able to avoid a lot of stress and drama by not making assumptions. Finally, you can help create a great example for how you want to be treated. In fact, you can use your new-found ability to ask questions in order to let others know what you want in life.
“Also, find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask. Likewise, everybody has the right to ask you, and you have the right to say yes or no.”
Like all of the four agreements, not making assumptions is just plain hard. The author points out that just learning about our tendency to make assumptions is a great first step in putting an end to it. Of course, it is only a first step. The most important part of making changes is to take action. The more we do that, the more we break these old agreements and create new ones.
Can you make it through the day without making assumptions? That would certainly be Something Good. Of course, it’s also a pretty tall order. Let’s just take a cue from The Four Agreements, though, and make our goal of the day to at least question our assumptions before just jumping to conclusions. That can really do Something Good for ourselves and our relationships today.